If pirates and ninjas fought, who would win?

We’re taking a poll and we want your vote. Send your answer to WhoWins@PiratesVersusNinjas.net and we’ll add it to the count. If you add in your reasons we’ll add them to the tally for the top ten lists, and if you get the Captain to chuckle he’ll add a quote of yours to the site.

Currently 54% of the people voting have supported a PIRATE victory.

The top ten reasons why pirates are better than ninjas:

  1. Rum! It makes them bolder, it makes them tougher, and it makes them sway.
  2. Pirates cheat like the Devil himself.
  3. Pirates have guns.
  4. Ninjas can’t swim.
  5. Pirates get to plunder and pillage – they fight for loot, not honor.
  6. Grape Shot
  7. Pirates have parrots and monkeys.
  8. Pirates have cool lingo: even “GAR!” or “ARGH” could convey a message. Ninjas talk in symbols.
  9. Pirates live a life of danger, whereas ninjas live a life of training and solitude.
  10. Pirates get the girls!

Currently 46% of the people voting have supported a NINJA victory.

The top ten reasons why ninjas are better than pirates:

  1. Ninjas are highly trained in all aspects of their killing ways.
  2. Ninjas have stealth.
  3. Pirates are always drunk.
  4. Pirates wouldn’t see ninjas coming.
  5. Ninjas have superior weaponry.
  6. Pirates have too many distractions: booze, women, booze, gambling, booze, treasure, etc.
  7. Ninjas can pose as pirates and kill from within.
  8. Ninjas are quick and agile.
  9. Ninjas are focused.
  10. Kunoichi would distract the pirates.

We really like these:

May 24, 2017: “pirates would so blatently win we all know as soon as u kill one of them two spawn.”

May 22, 2017: “I am voting for pirates to kick ninjas asses if for no other reason then pirates have festivals and parades named after them and ninjas do not. An example of a fabulous pirate festival is Gasparilla in Tampa which had both a day and night parade and beeds and booze and pirates. You can’t go wrong. Ninjas have late night movies with bad subtitles which while entertaining if you have consumed the proper amount of liquor or other substances are not deadly. So as a brief summary pirates deadly and a good time. Ninjas boring, poor subtitles, not deadly.”

May 15, 2017: “Pirates have a Baseball team named in their honour. And ninjas?”

May 12, 2017: “Two words….Smoke balls, and heres the situation- the pirates land on an island inhabited with Ninjitsu worriors…the pirates realize it and run back to there ship, but by that time theres already a group of ninjas on the ship…do the pirates no this? no they dont. any way, the pirates are eating dinner and the ninjas are hideing in the rafters of the ship, they through their smoke balls down and teh pirates get all confused, and by the time the smoke settles all the pirates are dead…therefore ninjas win.”

May 3, 2017: “Obviously, pirates win. I’m not saying a pirate would win a one on one fight with a ninja. I’m saying that ninjas are losers. Yes, I’m talking to all of you pimply overweight ninjas-pushers. Generally, Pirate fans are more attractive and more socially adept than ninja fans. Don’t try to deny it. Deep down, you know it’s true. So, yes. You ninjas may win a fight. But you’re still all losers in my book.”

May 1, 2017: “Whilst browsing through the comments, I noticed most were for ninjas, yet the overall poll said 54% for pirates. This leaves a simple conclusion: ninjas have most posts on the site because they feel the need to explain why they think they’re better, pirates don’t care what others think, they just drink.”

April 25, 2017: “Props to imratherspiffy for using “whom” correctly, and choosing a hip name and being right… and everything else… and pirates win… they just do.”

April 25, 2017: “Pirates win. Why? Because. Simply because.”

April 24, 2017: “because…


and Hirrrrrrdill is a NINJA and Hirrrrrrdill would kick your ass anyday”

April 23, 2017: “Please allow me to explain the situation using a few faulty analogies:
1: in the animal world, Ninjas are most like squirrels: they are very fast, they throw things at people, and they can cling to walls. Pirates are like bears: covered in hair and very hard to kill. A squirrel killing a bear is absurd, therefore pirates win.
2: in terms of their business models, pirates are entrepreneurial killers (they work for themselves) whereas ninjas are contractors (people hire them to kill people) Therefore whereas pirates are sure to kill a ninja, A ninja will never actually show up to kill a pirate (or if he does he will complain that the format of the pirate is wrong or that you’ll have to turn off the power to your house or something stupid like that).
3: as vehicles a ninja is a corvette (sleek and speedy) and a pirate is a Tank (heavy, overarmed, and you need a rocket launcher to destoy it). They’re both equally cool in very different ways, but you know the tank would win in a fight.
4: If pirates and ninjas were modern bands, the pirates would probably be a death metal band, whereas ninjas would routinely play long bouts of complete silence. We all know who would win out of those two.”

April 8, 2017: “Pirates usually win. The monkeys are pirates would warn every pirate on board his ship that there was an intruder by goin ‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!’ or ‘Wraaaak! INTRUDER! INTRUDER Wraaaak’ respectively. Even without the ‘pets’, the man in the crowsnest would notice the ninjas anyway, its their job. Besides, pirates are rarely alone *wink**wink**nudge**nudge*”

April 3, 2017: “Well, I say ninjas win. And let me tell you why. In Japan, Pirates have a total of one anime series: One Piece. Not to mention it sucks. Ninjas, however have… like… 40 billion. No joke. I checked Wikipedia. In conclusion, if I ever marry my girlfriend (yeah, right), she’ll give birth to ninja pirates and I will rule the world until they turn 16 and go all ‘rebel phase’.”

March 31, 2017: “A ninja can sink a ship with hundreds of pirates in it using only a dagger. But a pirate can’t even find the lair of one ninja.”

March 29, 2017: “Um yea Pirates definetly hands down because honestly Ninjas are pansies who hide out to kill people Pirates arent scared and they fight out in the open. So lets all go get some Rum and drink to hte pirates victory.”

March 29, 2017: “I vote for Ninjas. My reflections on the whole Ninjas vs. Pirates debate: Ninjas have to be trained from conception. The bad thing is that it would be really hard on the mother. ‘We have your ultrasound, ma’am, but. . . we can’t seem to locate your baby.’ Of course, for the sake of the great Ninjas versus Pirates competition, pirates should be trained early too, but what would that entail? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.”

March 29, 2017: “Pirates would win. Hello….??? Buxom Wenches??”

March 29, 2017: “ok this is coming for a pure ninja and i know plenty abut my enemy….its says one of the ‘reasons’ pirates are better than ninjas is because pirates can swim and ninjas cant. That is one of the most ill informed assumption and nothing is more far from the truth. I FACT pirates like the rest of the navys at the time did not know how to swim because if they fell over board they would not be saved in time any ways. Believe me I’ve killed plenty to know. and as for ninjas swimming it is one of the thing we do to becomed a full fledge ninja. #1…walk thorough a blizzard with out getting hit by one single snow flake…#2 is to swim across a volcano. #3 my personal favorite, is to ride down Niagara falls in a card board box and still have a box left at the end. So you see ninjas are superior in every way…period…”

March 28, 2017: “I saw a Ninja fighting a pirate on the Great Ocean Road near the Loch Ard turnoff. As we passed, the pirate was dazzled with Ninja dust, and was swinging blindly whilst rubbing his Ninja dust affected eyes. I was going too fast to see if it was a Ninja victory, but my guess is yes.

March 26, 2017: “Ninjas Rule and here’s why.

You’ve got your average down on his luck alcoholic trying to make ends meet. He’s sleeping rough on the streets and begging for money. Any little bit of silver he does get goes straight to the nearby Inn where he gets totally tanked up on cheap rum. Next thing “WHACK.” He wakes in the middle of the ocean on a pirate ship to discover that he’s been press ganged into service.

‘Work for us or you walk the plank you scurvy Dog. Arrr’

And because he’s the new guy, and women are considered bad luck on ships, it won’t be long before weeks of separation from said women lead to those sexual frustrations surfacing in those other pirates. Let’s face it, our new recruit is completely buggered.

So at some point, the pirate ship attacks another ship. Our new pirate limps (he’s very popular) over to the other ship. He can swing a sword a bit and he can shoot a bit. He’s getting the taste for blood now because it bonds him with the other pirates.

After a successful plunder, they head back to shore. He can’t wait to taste that sweet sweet rum. Months at sea have done nothing to improve his manners. He knocks over some strangers saki. He shouts abuse at him for being funny looking, dressed in black and wonders if the stranger is going to a funeral. The stranger says nothing. He just sits quietly. The pirate mocks him a little (months on a ship made him a little weird) and shows of his pistol and sword. He’s the man around here and he wants the stranger to know it. The pirate goes to the bar to get his rum, and when he gets back, the stranger is nowhere to be seen.

A few more rums later and the pirate grabs the nearest wench and stumbles out of the door. he’s greeted by a shadowy figure in the dimly lit street. The pirate reaches for his pistol, but it’s been stealthily removed by the stranger. He reaches for his sword and it’s still there because Ninjas like to be good sports from time to time. The pirate is stumbling more because the Nija has poisoned his rum. He has only a few minutes to live and the Ninja was looking forward to warming up on his lifetime of training in the multitude of ways that he can kill a man. This pirate is completely buggered yet again.

What chance does a fairly mediocre dumbass with a rusty sword got against a highly trained assassin? Do you really believe that this guy shagging all those women will help him in a 1 on 1 showdown against a rich (let’s face it, emporers pay top dollar for one of these guys) silent masochist? A ninja will start off by disarming him, breaking all his fingers, then his hand, then his wrist, then his elbow, and finally dislocate his shoulder in 2 seconds? Now THAT’S cool. He’ll slice him all over, but not deep enough to kill him. The poison hasn’t run it’s course yet folks. He might then remove his tongue for being rude before and then he’ll slip silently into the night as he lies face down on the same streets where he was press ganged in the first place.

NINJAS RULE!!! and that’s also because I haven’t even scratched the surface of what a Ninja is capable of.”

March 24, 2017: “Reason 5 for pirates: Pirates get to plunder and pillage – they fight for loot, not honor. That’s EXACTLY why ninjas win, hands as absolutely down as they can go.
– Ninja’s have intention. They have reason.
– They are more efficient. If you are to be killed, YOU WILL BE KILLED.
And the waiting list is almost unexisting.
– They have a kickass sounding name… ninja…. NINJA…. !
– They have superior aim. Pirates just shoot their canons and hope they get something. Ninjas are trained, and are precise to the centimetre.
It has been staistically proven …by the acadamy of ninjasaresomuchbetter, that the amount of unnecessary worldly destruction done by pirate as a result of poor and obnoxious attack strategy, has exeeded worldly expectations. I could go on. I will, just a bit. Every question in the entire universe… can be answered with ‘Because i’m a ninja.'”

March 18, 2017: “Alright that’s enough! Honestly, if anyone were to give it a thought, the logical answer is a ninja. True, a pirate has a better wardrobe and a gun, BUT THAT’S FREAKIN IT! All you pirate fans come up with mediocre excuses of why pirates are ‘better’ and can actually live to mock them. Some quick stealth, a kunai knife to the throat, there argument finished. You can all go home now.”

March 17, 2017: “Pirates hands down. Two words: Rape & Pillage”

March 15, 2017: “well, i most certainly think that pirates win. Ninjas kill whomever they are told to kill. Pirates kill whoever they want. Ninjas dont steal. Pirates steal whatever they want. Ninjas eat rice. Pirates eat whatever they want. Ninjas wear bedsheets. Pirates wear whatever they want. Ninjas never get any action. Pirates sleep with whomever they want. Ninjas live to follow rules. Pirates live to break them.” He also wrote “if you use it,give me credit. thnx.” We appreciate the contrast imratherspiffy.

March 14, 2017: “We are given a question at hand, who would be the victor in a battle to the death, pirate, or ninja? I thought of several situations.
1. A pirate is sitting at a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, suddenly a ninja is seen slowly rising up behind the pirate. Before the pirate has a chance to act his neck is snapped like a twig, which there after the ninja would do his dance of victory which is swinging his arms up and out left to right and back and strutting his chest out.
2. A ninja is sneaking up on a pirate and steps on a loose board and suddenly looks down at his unfortunate flaw of persuit. As he looks up he see’s a musket in his face and the pirate pulls the trigger. Boom, goes the ninja’s face. Then the pirate does his victory dance which happens to ironically be the exact opposit of the ninja’s dance.
3. The ninja and pirate spot eachother in an ally way. The pirate screams ‘Arrrh there be a ninja!’ and goes to grab his gun as it is struck away with a throwing star. Then the pirate goes to grab his sword, but he got drunk and left it at the bar. Then the ninja approaches the pirate with throwing stars and wings a few just to wound and slow the pirate down. The pirate takes a swig of whiskey. The ninja continues his approach. The pirate curses. The ninja is close now and swiftly takes out his sword and cuts off the head of the pirate.
4. The Ninja wins… He just does.
5. Aaaand situation 5, the ninja wins again, because he’s that cool.
Now as we see the ninja won 4 out of 5 situations the ninja wins. Of course if he were to slip up of course the pirate would win. But if we’re talking about a skilled ninja that pirate better be getting really drunk to make the pain easier on himself. So congradulations Ninja’s, you’ll always be the winners in my book.”

March 12, 2017: “Pirates might lose sometimes, but it is impossible for a ninja to win, because of the Pirates’ death throe. If a pirate senses he will die, he will unleash a ferocious stream of oaths so vile, that anyone but a veteran man of the seas will instantly have his spline liquefied, and his eyes melted.”

March 10, 2017: “Now I would like to also say at their respective peaks I think Ninjas would have won. This is because ninjutsu is more than sneaking around, and throwing daggers. Swashbuckling on the other hand is literally a sloppy form of rapier and buckler fighting, and let’s face it rapiers are a pansy ass sword, come on… a thing foil? Water/Land isn’t an issue as Pirates will always have to land their ship sometime or another.”

March 9, 2017: “ninjas win
heres why:
see those thirty ninjas directly behind you?

March 6, 2017: “now to address who would win if they where zombified pirates win hands down you turn a pirate into a zombie hes not much different still stumbles all over the place moans and groins and eats raw flesh and is about as smart as a rock ‘argh shiney’ you turn a ninja into a zombie they lose what makes them great sneaky’ness battle smarts and quickness plus the sneak attk just dosent fit a zombie of any kind” Riiiiight.

February 28, 2017: “There is something called ‘Ax a Pirate’ which is just like ‘Ask a Ninja’ but with a pirate (and it’s better). Why didn’t he use askapirate.com you ask? Well the stupid ninjas took that domain name so it takes you straight to askaninja.com instead. That just shows you ninjas are afraid of the pirates, so you took that name before they could.” He also wrote “If you decide to use this on your site, please give me credit.” Thanks to eplgamer0918 for the quote, and the link. We need to add that to our links page.

February 27, 2017: “Not even a contest. Ninjas would win, and here’s why: pirates are dumb. And drunk. And mesmerized by shiny things. All a ninja would have to do is show a pirate some bling, then it’s schwing! Off with his head, or a star to the throat, or a glistening drop of poison in his rum. The pirate would never see it coming! Ninjas wouldn’t even need to draw on their stealth ability! They can save that for a real fight.”

February 15, 2017: “Pirates conform with equal oportunity rights, they hire anyone including the disabled (those with lost limbs eyes and other body parts), many different races such as people from the carribean etc. they almost always have a midget, ninjas on the other hand have a very close knit community and are most likely incestuous.”

February 13, 2017: “Ninjas can fly and disappear. Pirates only swashbuckle. Boring.”

February 8, 2017: “ninjas, obviously. because pirates wear bandanas. and we all know bandanas are not cool”

February 8, 2017: “Pirates have cool names like ‘Blackbeard’, ‘One-Eyed’ Jack, ‘Peg-Leg’ Bill, and ‘Dread Pirate’ Roberts. Ninja’s have names like ‘Walks with wind on cool night’ or ‘Jade Breeze’.”

February 5, 2017: “while ninjas are doing all these fancy sword tricks, a priate would get drunk, have sex with a woman, and shoot him.”

February 5, 2017: “Ninjas spend all their time hiding. Who hides these days?”

February 2, 2017: “I have conclusive evidence why Pirates win. See, yesterday I saw a pirate drinking heavily in my back yard, and I was like, “Holy Crap! there’s a pirate in my backyard”. Anyway, suddenly a ninja jumps out of a tree and stabs the pirate in the back with one of those really long knives, and it went all the way through his body. But then the pirate got the Ninja in a chokehold and shot him in the face. And then he set my back yard on fire to kill all the other ninjas hiding there andlimped back to his ship down the road. I just thought you should know.”

February 1, 2017: “HONEST TRUTH! Blackbeard was shot three times at point blank with HUGE Metal balls, and slashed at least five times before he stopped fighting and died… If a pirate thought he might lose, he would blow up his ship and everyone would die… a Pact with the devil pretty much comes standard with piracy… ”

January 28, 2017: “Who would seriously want to spend hours on end traning, when you can just pick up gun, drink some rum and easily kill the same amount of people?”

January 25, 2017: “Look the pirates would obviously win for one very good reason:
1. They are the sons of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

January 21, 2017: “A ninja could definitely beat a pirate…why? BECAUSE NINJAS DONT HAVE ORLANDO FREAKING BLOOM!!!!”
He also wrote “and if you enjoyed that bit of insight i would like some credit please” Without further ado, we give credit to danleo. Thanks for the laugh.

January 17, 2017: “Pros for ninjas? Sexy no jutsu.”

January 16, 2017: “If watching ninja movies has taught me anything is that they have an incredible ability to bend the laws of physics take crouching tiger and hidden dragon for instance. So what pirates can swim the ninja can walk on water like gods.”

January 16, 2017: “Way back in the day, Albert Einstein was proposed this question. His mathematical equation of the situation at hand was similar to this: Pirates > Ninjas.”

January 13, 2017: “Look,this is getting stupid! It’s an embarrassment that there’s any question! I blame that Depp guy and those gay Disney movies! Ok, right now pirates have better pr and they may win a poll but they could NEVER win an actual fight! Did ANYONE even die in those movies? Dozens (sometimes hundreds!) of people die in ninja movies,and they die horribly! Most pirates nowadays only steal movies. Hardly “villainous” behaviour.But right up to this very moment ninjas are killing somebody. Every “accidental” death was probably a ninja hit. Highly trained warrior assassins versus drunken amputees about sums it up.I am a ninja and last Hallowe’en me and some buddies went to a bunch of parties and kicked the crap out of all the pirates we could find. Edit this as you want but please try to retain the outraged tone. Sorry about all the capitals and quotation marks, that’s just how I talk.” Captain’s note: you can tell he’s a ninja fan because a pirate would never apologize for his language.

January 13, 2017: “The only thing that can kill a Ninja is Chuck Norris”

January 4, 2017: “I think ninja’s would win. Why? Because while the pirates are stealing our treasure, we will put too much wasabi on their take out! MUHAHAHAHAHA! BURN PIRATE TONGUES, BURN!!!!”

January 2, 2017: “Pirates have parrots, parrots could just torment a ninja for hours.”

December 28, 2016: “Why would the pirates win? It’s simple: They’re way better kissers.”

December 20, 2016: “Ninjas don’t have stupid birds and sit and crap on thier shoulders and continuly ask for crackers.”

December 18, 2016: “Not only do ninja’s kill pirates sometimes they just humiliate them before they come back to finish the job, thats why 90% of pirates are missing legs, hands, and eyes.”

December 10, 2016: “… in the fight of swashbuckling vs. ninjutsu, the pure randomness of the former always confuses ninjas, causing them to make a fatal mistake.”

December 8, 2016: “One thing people overlook is about pirates is this: pirates are smelly. Being out at sea with living in small quarters with no baths for months at a time can really make a person reek.

Now, for Ninjas it’s the opposite. They arn’t smelly. There all clean and tidy. Thats there weakness.

When a ninja gets on a pirate ship, it’s there absense of smell that draws a pirates attention. Pirates are so used to the bad smell that when a ninja sneaks on board smelling all clean-like the pirates take notice, making it immpossible for the ninja to hide. Therefor a ninja can never get the drop on a pirate.”

December 8, 2016: “pirates are awesome and can fight in the daytime”

November 28, 2016: “Ninjas have the element of surprise. While a pirate was expressing his surprise at finding a ninja aboard the ship (“Yarr!”), a ninja would use that time to draw his ninja-to and turn that wooden leg into firewood… Pirates only fought with whatever they had on hand, Ninjas also trained with whatever they had on hand.”

October 31, 2016: “If a pirate was losing he would say ‘I surrender’ then the ninja would be thinking about what would be the honourable thing to do just before being kicked in the nuts and stabbed by the pirate’s concealed knife.”
He also wrote “Please give me credit if you use this” Therefore, we give credit to StuP for his sound logic.

October 29, 2016: “another reason why ninjas are better: pirates invented spam.”

October 28, 2016: “Ninjas aren’t even the coolest group on their island, the Samuri are totally more badass then they are. … What do you call an emo kid with nothing better to do than sit in the dark all day? A ninja.”

October 28, 2016: “*Pirates dont follow the rules… THEY MAKE THEM!!!!*”

October 24, 2016: “reasons ninjas would win against pirates
… The great circle of death says so.
… Pirates sleep
… Pirate goes to open treasure chest and BAM ninja
… (Pirate)mmm… This is some good chicken… (Ninja) hehehe… explosive chicken…
… Ninjas drink monster energy drinks”

October 15, 2016: “Pirates totally win. Hand down. What do ninjas have? Skill. What do Pirates have? Luck. If pirates and ninjas played Battleship, ninjas would try to systematically hunt down the pirates, and by the time they got their first hit, pirates would have already hit like three or four ships just by taking wild guesses. Pirates also cheat, so they would move their ships around. No amount of skill can overcome Sheer Dumb Luck.”

October 15, 2016: “so what if the ninjas can hide? you don’t win by hiding, you win by beating the crap out of the enemy with whatever the nearest object is, something the pirates specialized in”
He also wrote “if you use this for the site, please give me credit, thanks” Therefore, we give credit to BRyder12 for his reasoning.

October 12, 2016: “Your talking a skilled silent assassin verse a drunken handicap!”

September 30, 2016: “Approximately three quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the vast majority of that is ocean. Land therefore constitutes only about 25% of the earth’s surface. Giving pirates a 3 to 1 advantage over ninjas in regards to territory.”

September 28, 2016:“Ninjas are SO last year.”

September 26, 2016: “Ninjas are so easy to impersonate, that all you need is a towel or a T-Shirt. To impersonate a Pirate, you have to get a friend to cut off your leg and stab your eye.”

September 26, 2016: “there is never one pirate they come in units of shiploads meaning that a ninja cant just attack one man thereby reducing his training advantage.”

September 17, 2016: “Johnny Depp was never a ninja!”

September 16, 2016: “Pirates are free spirited while ninjas are tools for higher powers.”

September 2, 2016:
“1 ok it takes WAY more skill and courage to sail the 7 seas and stick it to the man than stay on land and jump on stuff.
“2 pirates were rockstars of their days! they could go any where and do virtually anything they felt like
“3 ninjas only influenced japan and the sourrounding area whereas pirates scared the living crap outta the whole world”
He had a total of ten reasons but these were our favorites. He also wrote “if you are gonna put it on ur site edit it as much as you please just keep my main intentions and give all credit to me…thanks!” Therefore, we give credit to thrash1616 for his reasoning.

June 25, 2016: �Is there a successful series of videos called �Ask A Pirate�? I think not. Is the book Real Ultimate Power about Pirates? Think not. Did you ever hear of Pirate Gaiden? Nope. I think we have a clear winner here.�

April 11, 2016: �Pirate ships are like big bug zappers for ninjas. They are creaky, hiding the sound of movement, have masts and rigging to climb on, are covered in fog and are spooky. Ninja�s love the idea of hiding on a pirate ship. Unfortunately for them, Pirates always know exactly where anyone is on their ship, and can find the Ninja with their eyes closed.�

April 10, 2016: �A good number of pirates were freed slaves and homosexuals. If ninjas attacked them, it might be considered a hate crime. Thus, pirates would win (in a court of law).�

March 28, 2016: �Have YOU ever tried tackling a Nor�easter? In a wooden ship? Drunk? Yeah, I didn’t think so.�

March 28, 2016: �Pirates are way better, since they have peg legs and they could smack a ninjas with their wooden peg legs!! Yaaaarrrrr!!�

March 20, 2016: �Jimmy Buffett is a pirate.�

March 20, 2016: �As stated before, pirates have parrots. Parrots are awesome destructive forces. They bite hard enough to break bones. They attack relentlessly when they’re pissed off. In fact, I�m willing to bet that a single parrot could win a fight with a single ninja.�

March 4, 2016: �Law of Pirating: 8-foot-tall-man. Every Pirate Crew has an 8-foot tall man. This man is huge, and incredibly strong. Usually capable of eating raw buckshot for breakfast, a cutlass for lunch, and the rest of the cannon for dinner. He also usually ends up drinking at least a barrel of rum a day. He puts his body through such rigorously horrid things that his body thrives on pain, pressure, and poisons. That, and in every battle, the 8-foot-tall-man cuts a swath upon the enemy that no human can resist fleeing from. That and he smells about like pig dung, smothering in burnt flesh.�

March 3, 2016: �Pirates are what happened before organized sports were invented. If dudes today didn�t have the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL, NCAA and International Soccer, we�d probably give up on life, get on a boat and drink and screw babes until we were eventually stabbed or died of syphilis too.�

March 2, 2016: �plus, a pirate doesn’t have to actually SEE and know that a ninja is hiding � they like to just shoot their guns off randomly and would probably hit one and kill him by accident.�

March 2, 2016: �Ninjas would win because Pirates are now a punchline. How many Pirate jokes are there? A ton. A well placed pirate impersonation is a guaranteed laugh from your friends. How many Ninja jokes are there? None. Why? Because if you tried to tell one, a Ninja would jump out of a secret hiding place and kill you, that�s why.�

March 2, 2016: �Pirates are too busy getting drunk and raping the towns women to hear the sock wearing ninja folk. only problem is you never hear of ninjas swimming, so all of the attacks would have to happen on land. If the ninjas took swimming lessons at the YMCA, they would be unstoppable.�

February 28, 2016: �i think ninjas should win because i am a ninja and they are the best thing to ever happen to the world, they have been around for alot longer then those damn pirates. pirates should burn in where ever the hell i am not going!�

January 23, 2016: �Pirates spend most of their time on ships. They are strong, but they also have inferior coronary systems on account of the fact that they do not get enough exercise. As for nutrition, well Ninjas are from Japan, whose inhabitants are known to stick to the healthiest diets on Earth. Plenty of fish, rice, seaweed. Everything one needs. Pirates eat swill and drink cheap alcohol. enough said.�

December 31, 2015: �pirates wear pantaloons thats just horrible. ninjas are like the rock the peoples champ.�

December 31, 2015: �omg, totally ninjas win. think about it-pirates cant even speak correctly… ninjas have the literacy abilities of GODS.�

December 31, 2015: �Wherever they are they would pick of the pirates one by one like the movie ‘the scorpion king’ starring the rock in the scene where he is killing the unit of guards off one by one in the caves using stealth.�

December 30, 2015: �Blinding pepper bombs are easier to aim when one of your enemy�s eyes is covered by an eyepatch.�

December 30, 2015: �Firstly, you have to see a ninja before you can shoot at him (or her), by which time it�s too late, and secondly Ninjas have little trouble catching bullets with their teeth.�

December 29, 2015: �Anyone can imitate a Pirate (arr matey!), but everyone has enough sense not to mock a Ninja if they want to live�

December 28, 2015: �since ninjas didn’t carry around loads of money, there would be no motivation for the pirate to even fight in the first place�

December 28, 2015: �When zombified, who would win? You may be thinking that I’m crazy for asking this, but zombifiying anything always makes it cooler, and more powerful, right? So then it would decide it for all, with them both at their peak strength. And of course pirates win, because they already act halfway zombified, what with being drunk 24/7, and ninjas are usually quick and all. This gives the pirates an advantage because they�re used to acting that way. So yeah. Pirates versus ninja could still be a toss up, but pirate zombie versus ninja zombie goes handily to the pirate zombie.�

December 28, 2015: �Besides, can ninjas say �Arr�? I think not.�

The 2nd Annual Gen Con So Cal Vote Results
First, we need to thank you all for taking the time to help us in our crusade to get a conclusive answer to the question of who would win if pirates and ninjas fought. Second, we need to thank Gen Con for giving us such a wonderful platform to share our agenda and for giving us a chance to meet such wonderful people. We had a fantastic time thanks to all of you who stopped by the booth to share your votes and opinions with us. Thank you all.

At GCSC 2015, the pirates beat the ninjas with a final count of pirates: 163 and ninjas: 121, with write-in votes for “Zorro and his fighting legion,” “Zombies,” and “Puppies” (with a drawing of a puppy).

The final results for GCSC 2016 have been counted and recounted. We had one write-in vote for “Mr. T!! I pity da fool!” and “Jack Bauer Wins.” It makes us wonder who would win if Mr. T and Jack Bauer fought (we’re slightly biased towards Mr. T ever since we saw his Treat Your Mother Right video on YouTube). Enough jibba jabba! On to the results that matter:

Ninjas received 204 votes this year…

… and pirates received …

… 172 votes.


Next year’s poll has taken on a new significance in light of both sides having won once. Make sure to get out to Gen Con So Cal 2017 and vote early and vote often! Every vote matters in this battle!